we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
