I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
