Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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