Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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