Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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