so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
