Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
