I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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