i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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