I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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