did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
