a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
