when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
