dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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