Why are handjobs necessary in class?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize