Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
