The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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