I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize