There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
