i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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