omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
