how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
this is an emotional support booty call
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
