I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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