This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
