i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
