I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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