If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize