I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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