Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
