Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
