Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
