i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
