So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
