i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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