My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
pop tarts are not kleenex
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
