I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
