All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
