Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
