It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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