Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Randomize
