I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
