I just threw up on my dentist
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
