90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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