Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
