I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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