the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
