Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You pole danced in your parka.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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