We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
BRING THE BAGELS
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
