Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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