Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I stole a fireplace last night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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