I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
