if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
