Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I have fence marks all over my body
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
