Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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