She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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