It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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