I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize