I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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