The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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