I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
