your parents love me but you hate me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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