Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize