Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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