I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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